logic

day 17: terrorized | a spirit of defiance

Tuesday, 3/22/2016

Today is the first day that I have ever felt utter fear on the subway.

I’m already annoyed because I’m on the train on my way to a CityMD (aka purgatory) to get an X-ray of my wrist that I’m confident I fractured a few months ago, refused to go to the doctor for, and now hurts like a b. I get a seat (score!) and look at the guy across from me. He seems nice enough. There’s a young kid listening to absurdly loud rap music to my right and a girl taking selfies to my left. Normal enough. And then I notice a guy in a huge jacket looking at the map. It’s not that cold in New York tonight - maybe 50ish degrees - and he’s bundled up and has gloves on. I can’t stop staring at him and all of a sudden, fear grips my entire body. 

This morning the world woke up to news of the terrorist attacks in Belgium. 

At first, my mum mentioned it to me over the phone and I answered with an apathetic, “yeah that’s sad.” I looked on Facebook, and there was some mention of it here and there, but nothing like the magnitude of posts when Paris was attacked. Celebrities were posting the standard flag heart photo with the hashtags #PrayForBrussels #PrayForBelgium #PrayForTheWorld. But most of the people I actually know were mainly still focused on the state of our country’s election (Jesus, help us.) 

Have we become so accustomed to this level of evil that we no longer give it a second glance? Are we so self-centered as a country that when atrocities are happening all over the world, our main concern continues to be who is still enough of a democrat or enough of a republican to suit our fancy? Am I so focused on my own '52 day journey' that I respond to news of this magnitude with a, “that’s sad,” all because it didn’t happen down the street from me?

I logged onto twitter a few hours later and saw news that the hashtag #OpenHouse was trending. The people of Brussels were opening their homes to those stranded. I saw footage taken after the underground explosion and was struck by the eery almost silence - the sound of rubble falling, a baby crying, and people telling each other, “it’s going to be ok.” Before I knew what was happening, I was crying and couldn’t stop. How much longer will the world operate on this level of evil? The tough answer to that question is that, as a Christian, I don’t believe we will ever see the world operate on any other level until Jesus comes back. 

But that three letter statement - as a Christian - stops me in my tracks. I know what it is to believe something to the core of my being and to hold those beliefs in such high regard, that I give up things for them. Good things, fun things. Things that I don’t want to give up, but I do, because I believe God calls me to. 

I was eight years old when Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris shot up Columbine High School. The next year, I was given the book, “She Said Yes.” It was reported that in the moment before Eric Harris shot fellow student, Cassie Bernall, he asked her if she believed in God. When she said, “yes,” he pulled the trigger. I remember reading that book as a nine year old and feeling intensely sure, and ashamed, that I wouldn’t have the bravery to say yes. I knew that the Bible says that if we deny our Father on earth, He will deny us in heaven (Matt 10:33.) I didn’t want to be denied in heaven, but I knew I would be too afraid to leave earth. 

Last year, when Paris was attacked, something shifted. I left my house that morning and realized that if I had a gun pointed to my head, and someone asked me if I loved Jesus, that I’d say yes.  I understand what it is to hold convictions so dear that you’d die for them. But I don’t understand holding convictions so dear that you’d kill, torture, or maim others. I can’t understand that. I won’t understand it. 

So here I am, sitting on the subway, and all of a sudden, this intense fear overtakes me. Not a stingray/cat fear (see Day 10) - a real, paralyzing fear. It becomes incredibly real to me that I could be on a subway car with a suicide bomber. Would it be a long, slow, and painful death? I start looking around at my fellow passengers, just waiting for the car to explode. 

And then it hits me. This is what terrorists want. Hello, it’s in their name. Terror. They want us to be afraid, to doubt the goodness, the common decency, and respect in others. They want to convince us that its only a matter of time before they succeed in terrorizing our city, our country, our people. They want to take away the joy of freedom. What is that? People thinking that our joy or our freedom is theirs to take away. Why is that? I’ve thought about it a lot on this journey. Did my attackers intend to take away my joy? Did they intend to take away my freedom? Did they know that what was a mere few hours in their world, would impact me forever? Did they even think about it that intently? Probably not. It is statistically likely that I am just another girl whose name they didn’t know in a long line of unconscious girls whose names' they didn’t know. In other words, I was nameless, faceless, and worthless. And in the weeks and months following, I believed that “logical conclusion.” 

But I’ve come to realize that I can’t believe in logical conclusions when I believe in a miraculous God. 

Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant, or insecure, remember to whom you belong. - Eph 2:19-22

Listen, I know- in the darkness, it’s a fight to believe the truth. So fight, friend. I promise you it’s worth it. Fight to defy the lies. Don’t walk, RUN to the truth.

FullSizeRender.jpg

I am nameless: No. “But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob, He who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.” - Isaiah 43:1

I am faceless: No. “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart.” - Jeremiah 1:5

I am worthless: No. “Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies and pearls.” - Proverbs 31:10

At some point, I became angry at the lies and angry at the liar (John 8:44.) And when you get mad enough, It’s pretty amazing what you can do in a spirit of defiance. Any parent of a teenager (shout out to my parents when they think back to parenting teenage me - #sorrymumanddad) can tell you that. 

Fear is the thief of joy. Joy is freedom. Let’s be doggedly defiant in our resolution to not let fear rule. 

day 8: rape & the righteousness of God : a glimmer of grateful light

Sunday, 3/13/2016

I watched the documentary “The Hunting Ground” today. I also had a conversation about the righteousness of God with one of my pastors. Talk about juxtapositions. 

These are two conversations that don’t go together. And yet, deep down in a place somewhere looking to get a little light, I know that they kinda do.

I know this because the idea that God is righteous in ALL circumstances, even circumstances that are heinous, is at the very core of my grievances with Him and this whole experience.  

Only 36% of rapes, 34% of attempted rapes, and 26% of sexual assaults get reported to the police. (National Institue of Justice)

26% of rapes reported to the police lead to an arrest. Of that 26%, 20% are prosecuted.” - FBI Uniform Crime Reports - 2010

The documentary is full of statistics, but these two haunt me and I have to do the math for myself:

- In 2011 reports from a 2010 study called "the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey” (which took place with the support of the National Institute of Justice and the Department of Defense) stated that 1 in 5 women had been raped or experienced attempted rape. Other outlets report 1 in 4, and some 1 in 6, so to be somewhere average, we’ll go with 1 in 5.

Ok so:

If 1 in 5 women in America are victims of sexual assault and there are about 157 million women in America   - that takes us to 31,400,000 women assaulted.  

- only 36% report their rape = 11,304,000 reported rapes 

- only 34% report attempted rape = 10,676,00 reported attempted rapes

- only 26% report sexual assault = 8,164,000 reported sexual assaults

The math in all of those situations brings you to at least 20,000,000 unreported assaults. So regardless of the fact that we can’t measure which 1’s in 5 experienced what version of assault, we can assume that 20,000,000 sexual assaults of some kind are unreported. 

Talking about rape only, 26% of the 36% of reported rapes (11,304,000) lead to an arrest - ok so that’s 2,939,040 arrests which = 8,364,960 cases without arrest. 

Of the 2,939,040 arrests, 20% are prosecuted - so 587,888 prosecutions, which = 2,351,152 cases without prosecution. 

So why does it shock people that survivors are hesitant to press charges? Especially when 98% of rapists will never spend a day in jail. (RAINN.org) Why report and go through the grueling process of attempting to bring a perpetrator to justice with those odds? 

Trying to give logic to that night and my decision not to press charges is a never-ending cycle. 

Trying to reconcile it with the righteousness of God is on another level.

But then I get a glimmer of light. And that inner conversation with God goes something like this: 

"What are you grateful for in that situation?" 

"What? Are you serious? What am I grateful for? Are you (expletive) kidding me?” 

“No.” 

“I’m not grateful. There is nothing to be grateful for.” 

“Really? What were you afraid of that night?"

“I was afraid that they wouldn’t let me leave. I was afraid that they would kill me. I was afraid that she’d been taken forever. I was afraid that I would have to call her mom and tell her that she wasn’t coming home and that I had no idea where she was. I was afraid that I was responsible for a horrible life she may be subjected to by whoever took her.” 

“And did that happen?” 

“No” 

Once I found one thing to be grateful for, it was a lot easier to come up with some more:

  • I’m grateful that my friend got out of that apartment.
  • I’m grateful that she doesn’t remember what happened there.
  • I’m grateful that this didn’t taint our friendship - she doesn’t blame me and I don’t blame her.
  • I’m grateful that I don’t remember the bulk of my time inside the other apartment.
  • I’m grateful that I had someone to call the next morning who answered the phone.
  • I’m grateful that my parents had the means to fly to New York from Europe.
  • I’m grateful that this was not the time that these criminals escalated to something even worse.
  • I’m grateful that I’m alive.
  • I’m grateful that I have amazing family and friends who have so graciously walked with me through the healing process.
  • I’m grateful that I’m not alone. 

I’m stunned to see even this tiny glimmer. 

Gratitude is a weapon of worship. It is allowing me a glimpse into where the righteousness of God exists in this situation.

My thoughts often veer off to,  “why did God save my life? Why me? Why not any of the other millions of people facing potential death each day?” 

In our conversation, my pastor stops me in my tracks - “stop trying to make yourself worthy of the righteousness of God; you’re not and you never will be. That’s the beauty of it. When you rest in your unworthiness, you honor His righteousness.”

This may seem harsh. I may never see the righteousness of God in that night. But somehow, it was exactly what I needed to hear. It removed the all-about-me attitude that was blocking me from seeing what I do see:  

- I do see that I not only survived, but fought my way through the recovery, and have come out the other side stronger and with a blazing passion to fight for change. So when God tells me that He will never let me be pushed past my limit, I know He’s right. (1 Cor 10:13, the MSG) 

- I do see that something guided me in the direction of home. So when God tells me that He will never leave me or forsake me, I know He’s true. (Deuteronomy 31:6, NIV)

- I do see that instead of this pushing my friend and I apart, we are closer than ever. I also see that my friend who helped me came, regardless of our history. So when God says that a friend loves at all times (is always loyal) and a brother is born to help in time of need, I know He cares about my heart. (Proverbs 17:7 NLT) 

- I do see that this experience has been one of the greatest trials I’ve ever faced, but that through it, I’ve experienced more growth than I could have imagined. So when God tells me to consider it a sheer gift when tests and challenges come my way because it means that my faith-life will be forced into the open, allowing me to become mature and well-developed, deficient in nothing, I know He is always on my side. (James 1:2-4 The MSG.)

- I do see that within hours of originally posting this blog, I had quite a number of people reach out to say that they were also survivors of rape or assault, and felt like they finally had a voice; or that their friend went through this and is struggling and they were sending it along so that they would know they aren’t alone. So when God says that He works all things together for good, I know that He can take even the most broken situations, and use them for good. (Romans 8:28 NIV.)

Now let me be abundantly clear - I AM NOT SAYING THAT RAPE IS RIGHTEOUS. What I am saying is that in my own personal experience, I am beginning to see that even in the most UNrighteous situations (caused by free will,) God can take what was meant for evil, and He can use if for good. And that right there, is in fact, the righteousness of God. 

So I’m understanding it just a little through the lens of gratitude. And this little glimmer of light shines ever so much brighter with each passing second.