I never plan for getting sick. I mean, I don’t think anyone really does. “In two weeks, I’ll get the flu…” Uh no- that’d be weird.
But before my brain surgery- I always had a plan for getting sick. Because I didn’t ever just get “normal people sick.” If I got a common cold, or the flu, oh holy Lord… - double the pain, uncomfortability, and frustration felt normally, and we’re in the outskirts of the ballpark of what my friends and family have lovingly dubbed “beckybrain." No lie. Your brain being strangely positioned will do that to you - both the pain and the horrible nickname.
So I had a plan: icepacks. If I could strategically headband (yeah, those stretchy workout ones) 2-3 children’s lunchbox icepacks to the base of my head/neck, I could manage for a few hours until I could go home, lay down, put more icepacks on my head, and wait a few hours (aka 6-36 dependent on that days severity) for things to return to normal.
Because of this, it never occurred to me that there was such a thing as “normal people sick” and that it sucked too. Until this week. And I was not prepared. No plan in place. Totally planned for the crisis, but never planned for the normal.
This shouldn’t shock me. I’ve never had a contingency plan for my life. Why would I have any type of plan for being sick? I feel like normal people have back up plans. Not me. Which is funny because I think I’m currently living in one - the backup, contingency, never-really-thought-this-through plan. My original unplanned plan, was to be successful in the entertainment industry. That was it. There wasn’t much planning to the plan. So I guess, somewhat inevitably, here I am, living in a contingency plan that I made up along the way. Geez - how many times can I say “plan” in one paragraph?
So, now what?
Well, I’m still young. 25 is still young, right? Even though, when I was little, 25 seemed ancient and I was convinced that by 25, I’d be a millionaire, a popstar, a business owner, in movies, a wife, a mom, a gymnast, a teacher, have won every award imaginable, somehow have managed to compete in the Olympics, and have met my ever elusive goal of being a teenager? Yeah. 25 is still young.
Obviously those dreams have shifted and changed. I mean, be a teenager? Been there, done that. #winning. So beyond that, what is there…? Just kidding. But they have changed. (Thank God.)
Some days I don’t even totally know what they are anymore. And I find that everyone around me asks me (and wants me) to define them.
“What do you want to do? What’s your dream? What’s your end goal? What’s your plan? How are you going to make it happen?”
Well, put it this way. I never in my wildest dreams thought that doing this would fall into the dream category. Writing. Speaking. Sharing my faith. Wanting to be in ministry. “In ministry” - not a huge fan of the term, but I should get over myself - bigger fish to fry, B, bigger fish to fry.
Having this little outlet to write about all the unreal stuff that God has done in my life, share my insights (hopefully theologically sound ones,) and encourage those who read it… that’s spurred on a whole new dream - a big one. One that still somehow fits in with the old dreams - the changed ones - not the list above. Though some still make the cut. Believe it or not, being a popstar is not high on the list of priorities these days.
And you know what? There’s still no concrete plan. I’ve got ideas and goals. But I still have no idea how it will all fit. Like none. Some days I don’t even know what the next right move is. But I do know that if I make the next right choice, take the next right step, and listen carefully to the next right nagging of the Holy Spirit, I’ll be ok. I’ll be more than ok.
When I was a baby, my nana gave me “my verse."
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. - Ps 37:4.
I always found it so encouraging - but I would also get so frustrated. 12 year old Becky’s prayers went something like: Ok Lord, I love you. I delight in you. Why am I not a popstar?
But now it’s the verses around it that get me.
Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong. For like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him. - Ps 37:1-7a
My nana was the wisest lady I’ve ever met. She passed away before I began the blog - but she was around for the attack and the aftermath. She was around for a lot. When she gave me that verse as a baby, she couldn't have known that it was the first place I would turn when I decided to go on this journey, but that my eyes would fall just barely above those familiar words…
“He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.”
She couldn’t have known how desperately I would need those words when I didn’t feel righteous. When I felt I was to blame. But Jesus knew. He knew that when I was so angry, I didn’t want to open my bible, I’d need to turn to a place that was easily found. And He knew that when my eyes landed on those words in the verses preceding "my verse," I’d be set free from blame and self condemnation.
We can’t plan for life. We can dream of how we’d like it to go - but we don’t know the twists and turns - both good and bad. We don’t have a play by play of those we will encounter who are evil. I mean, I never planned to be on a journey ignited by sexual assault. But here I am. And now I’ve got a cause. And one day, the justice of the cause will shine like the noon day sun.
In the in between - I’ve got to continue to trust. To do good. To dwell. To enjoy safety. To delight in him. To commit. To be still. And to wait patiently. I’ve got to be ok with being 25 and being where I’m at. I’ll have to be ok with the fact that I never competed in the Olympics. (The hilarious thing about that is that I have no idea what it was that I thought I would compete in.)
And duh, 25 is young. There’s a lot of time left to do it all - whatever “all” is. What’s nuts is that three years ago, I didn’t have a lot of time left. I was living “on borrowed time” as my doctor said, and I didn’t even know it. So I’d say things are looking pretty freakin great.
I’m actually not living in the contingency plan- I’m living in the plan. The one God had picked for my life from the very beginning. I’ve obviously taken a few detours - where’s the fun in a straight line - but it’s the path. The life path. I’m in the plan and I’m on the path - and it just doesn’t get much better than that.